hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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