Pants 0. Shit 1.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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