i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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