it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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