Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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