Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
