Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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