question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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