remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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