It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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