he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
