while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
