and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
