When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
