i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
