I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
sarcasm needs its own font
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
