the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
