you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
