I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
