You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
