I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
