i jhust puked up my retainher.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
