I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
