Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he thought i was a dude.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
