OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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