I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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