I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
