she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I party with great urgency now.
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