Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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