bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize