sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
