I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
