I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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