When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
