Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
