I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
