I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
