I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
