nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
