Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
