Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
