i need an iv and a liver transplant
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
