I cockslap morals
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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