i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
