You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
