He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize