I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
