I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I'm really busy with my period
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