if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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