maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
