life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
