it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
