mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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