i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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