you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
