Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
