Banned from zoo.
Again?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize