If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
