i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize