U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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