i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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