Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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