you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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