did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
