I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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