I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
