you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
