Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
