3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
